Feel like you’re doing everything “right” but still aren’t getting the second date? Love and dating aren’t about strategy, so if you don’t want to end up in the “Friend Zone”, it’s time to learn how to create your own spark.
What is “The Friend Zone”?
You might think of “The Friend Zone” as that classic rom-com trope where the “nice guy” gets rejected by their crush in favour of the handsome-but-arrogant-jock.
This myth of “friend zoning” isn’t especially helpful, so let’s look at what we really mean by the term when it comes to dating, shall we?
The Friend Zone is a mismatch in romantic feelings, commitment or compatibility between two people.
In my work as a dating coach, this comes up a lot from all genders, though the language is quite different. For example, male clients might worry that they can never get a second date, whereas women are more likely to say there was “no spark” on a first date.
So what’s really going on when you’re getting dates, but can’t ever seem to move into a more romantic and flirty zone?
5 ways to take a date from friendly to flirty
1. Ask yourself if you act “friendly” because you’re afraid of rejection
If you find it challenging to bring your flirty vibes to a date, be honest with yourself about why. The truth is, some of us end up in the friend zone because we can’t handle the rejection of putting our true romantic intentions out there only to be knocked back.
In this context, instead of calling it the “Friend Zone” we should really call it the “Safe Zone” because, while you hide your true self behind strategies and friendliness, you can’t suffer the pain of your date not being into you.
I see a lot of people (but men in particular) who are suckers for strategy as a way towards a successful date. Allow me to bust this myth once and for all:
It’s not about when you text back or whether you ask a specific question (prepared in advance btw) for your date based on whether they work in fashion or banking, or live in East London or west London.
Successful (and fun!) dating is not about strategy. Strategy will not save you from being rejected; in fact it will probably make it more likely you get rejected! It’s about being really honest with yourself about who you are, what you like and what’s important to you in a partner.
Genuine connection comes from showing up as your authentic self and letting your date do the same.
2. Get over the idea that your sexual energy is “too much”
I talk to a lot of men who are fearful of being too flirtatious or bringing a sexual energy on dates because they don’t want to come off as a creep.
I always tell them the same thing: If you’re at peace with your sexuality and desire, others will be too.
It’s possible for anyone to learn how to tap into their sexual energy and become more magnetic.
Tap into your fantasies and desires and be honest about what turns you on. There are many people who are into the same things you are, so go out and find them. Rest assured, your sexuality is not weird or creepy, it’s simply preference so normalise it by attaching to communities who share yours.
3. Become an expert in creating the spark yourself
Q: What’s the main complaint I hear from women about why they didn’t enjoy a date?
A: One-sided conversation!
Listen, there’s no formula that works every time on dates because people are different. But there are a couple of things to think about to get the conversation flowing, the flirtatious vibes happening and the sparks flying:
❤️ Don’t focus on whether there’s going to be a second date, focus on creating a good first date!
❤️ Slow down – your speech, your breath, your heart-rate
❤️ Actively listen to what your date is saying
❤️ Ask open questions and be genuinely curious
❤️ Tune into how your body feels
Creating the spark isn’t just about doing your hair or wearing clothes that make you feel sexy (though that plays a part); it’s about showing up as your full self.
When you’re engaged in mind and body, people will be naturally attracted to you, so pay attention to:
How you show up in your body language (how open are you physically?)
How you show up in conversation (how open are you mentally?)
How you show up emotionally (how emotionally available are you?)
Take responsibility for creating a spark and see what happens on your next date.
4. Actively seek out rejection
Truth bomb: You’re not going to die from rejection. It may feel horrible, but rejection is one of those things that gets less and less painful the more you do it.
So go out of your way to speak to people, show up openly and get used to flirting with everyone.
Turn yourself on with your conversational charms without any attachment to the outcome.
I recommend chatting to and dating multiple people at once to lower the stakes and take the pressure off.
If you want to avoid the “friend zone”, be bold and take action – ask someone out and recognise that you might get a blow to the ego, but rejection is only going to make you stronger and more confident when someone you really like comes along.
5. Learn to love your life exactly as it is
Sexual tension is created in the space between people – so don’t throw out your whole life and plans because you went on one date.
? Leave a little space for mystery.
? Go about your days fully present in whatever you’re doing
? Hold the tension of waiting for them to get in touch.
All of that is possible when you create a life you love so much that your date is just the cherry on top.
A final note: Sometimes people really aren’t compatible. My advice when this happens is not to try and force romance and instead simply move on.
Words have so much power, but there’s no need to hold the heavy weight of being friend zoned or ghosted.
The best thing you can do if this happens is to build up your self-esteem by building a life you love; do that and “The Friend Zone” will just be a silly storyline in a bad Rom-com to you.
If you’re tired of mismatches and want to find your perfect match (in life and in the bedroom), get in touch to find out more about how our team of matchmakers can introduce you to compatible singles, without the hassle of the apps! Book your call with me, Asa founder of Tailor Matched here.