You say you want love, but when it comes knocking, your defenses go straight up. Sound familiar? It’s ok to be scared of finding love, but your fears could be stopping you from having the relationship you deserve. Read on for 4 big reasons why you might be scared of finding love.
1. YOU FEEL VULNERABLE
As a dating coach, I talk to a lot of people about love – and what’s keeping them from finding it.
You know what I hear from clients all the time? They’re scared of feeling vulnerable and getting hurt. A new relationship is uncharted territory and humans are hard-wired to seek the familiar, so having fears of the unknown is totally natural.
Letting ourselves fall in love feels risky. After all, you’re placing a great amount of trust in another person, which can lead to feeling exposed and vulnerable.
When you meet someone who makes your palms sweat and gives you a gooey feeling in your tummy, it can lead to your defence mechanisms being challenged. Those habits you’ve had a long time that make you feel independent and like you don’t need anyone else start to fall away and that can be SCARY.
We tend to believe that the more we care, the more we can get hurt. But isn’t it true too, that the more we care the more we can love and feel joy too?
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.” – Brene Brown.
2. YOU FEEL PAST HURTS
When we first fall in love, we feel like all the past hurts have magically disappeared. Like we can start fresh and wipe the love slate clean.
Sadly, that’s not really the case. And we generally find this out a few weeks or months in when the infatuation goggles start to come off.
Unfortunately, our history hasn’t gone anywhere and we still bear the scars of past hurts from previous relationships and experiences.
The scars we hold have a strong bearing on the partners we choose in the present and how we perceive them. Have you ever found yourself acting strange in a new relationship, almost like an old record is playing and you’re repeating the same patterns over and over?
It’s these old, negative dynamics that can make us wary of opening ourselves up to someone new. We may hide from real intimacy, because it stirs up old feelings of hurt, loss, anger or rejection.
The good news? Being present and conscious of our old patterns can help us avoid making the same mistakes again.
Love takes bravery, but it’s so worth it.
Asa Baav
3. YOU FEEL CHALLENGED
Heard of the ‘critical voice’? Of course you have! Because you have your very own and it says mean things to you. Usually running along the lines of “you can’t find someone to date because you’re unlovable” or “you’re just not cut out for a relationship; you should just be single” etc.
News flash! Most of us struggle with the exact same thing. We have trouble feeling our own value and believing anyone could really care for us.
Here’s the truth: these are just made-up stories. These critical thoughts and stories might be unpleasant, but they’re also comfortable in their familiarity, so sometimes we are reluctant to let them go.
When another person sees us differently and loves and appreciate us, we may start to feel uncomfortable and defensive, as it challenges these long-held stories.
Isn’t it time to write a new love story?
4. YOU FEEL UNEQUAL
When talking to a friend about a new love interest have you ever uttered the words, “they just like me a bit too much”, or, my favourite, “they’re too keen!”?
Be honest.
As a dating coach I hear this a lot. It’s very common for people to worry that if they get involved with someone who is really into them, their own feelings won’t evolve, and the other person will get hurt or feel rejected.
The truth is that love is often imbalanced, with one person feeling more or less from moment to moment.
Let’s face it, we can be madly in love and adore our partner, but it doesn’t stop us getting irritated when they don’t make the bed. Our love can even turn quickly to hatred and back again when a partner does something that hurts us. The fact is, our feelings are constantly changing.
Worrying how we might feel in the future keeps us from seeing where our feelings would naturally go. Be open to how your feelings develop over time. Get to know the guy or girl who is really interested in you and see what happens.
Asa Baav
Don’t let your fears get in the way of connecting with someone who could really make you happy.
