As a monthly contributor to Killing Kittens our founder Asa Baav dives into your deepest desires in this months blog.
The world of dating has changed dramatically in even the last 5 years. The advent of a gazillion dating apps, more liberal attitudes to sexuality, and a more fluid society generally means our choices have expanded exponentially. Truly, anything goes. The sexual menu is VAST – and all that choice can be both incredibly exciting, and a little overwhelming.
Maybe you’re curious about getting it on with someone of the same sex as you. Perhaps you’d like to explore polyamory and open relationships. Or maybe it’s the idea of introducing a little kink into your sex life that’s got you all hot under the collar. Or perhaps you have no idea what really turns you on and just want to dip your toe into your own pleasure.
So how do you even begin to navigate your sexual preferences and desires when you’re out in the dating world? As a dating coach and offline dating consultant, this is exactly the work I do with my clients, so they can be confident going out and getting what – and who – they want.
When it comes to owning what you want, first things first – let’s figure out what that actually is.
Explore what turns you on
If we believed the version of sexuality we have grown accustomed to seeing in TV and movies, it would mean we all liked the same, basic hetero sex that’s peddled as “the norm”.
Clearly that isn’t the case, and I love that my job allows me to have conversations every day with people who are opening up to their true desires.
The truth is, what’s arousing will be different for each of us. Our eroticism is comprised of the specific things in sex that really turn us on, revealed in our sexual preferences, our fantasies, and our reactions to the images we take in (whether from sexualised advertising on the Tube, right through to porn).
There are no rules when it comes to what turns you on, and there are no rights or wrongs when it comes to sexual excitement. We are all unique and that’s what keeps sex interesting!
First of all, I suggest spending some time learning about the physical side of your pleasure and arousal. Where and how do you like to be stimulated? What parts of your body respond to touch? How do you want to be touched? What kind of pace do you need to respond and get aroused?
Explore your whole body and see if you find new or surprising opportunities for pleasure. You might spend time stimulating your nipples, ears, neck, feet, or the insides of your thighs and discover something unexpectedly turns you on. The list goes on and on – get creative with where you’re focusing your sexual attention on the body and see what comes up.
And don’t forget about the mental aspects of desire – what thoughts and fantasies do you find your mind wandering to? You may like to use porn or erotic literature to help open you up to unexpected desires too. The key is not to judge what turns you on – simply get curious.
Let go of all the ideas you have about what you’re supposed to like and figure out what you actually like. Let pleasure be like a map guiding you on.
“Don’t fulfil what you think are their desires” – the importance of communication
We still have a lot of gendered (and highly limiting) ideas when it comes to sex. Women are often taught to attend to their partner’s pleasure and that if they make a partner happy they will be happy too. While men often feel that it’s their job to initiate sex, always be horny and hard and be the “doer”. Obviously this is rubbish, and not a path to sexual satisfaction for most of us.
In order to let go of these outdated assumptions, open communication with the people you’re dating is key. If you’re nervous, start slow and ease into it. Simply share with each other some things that really get you off. Talk about which parts are the hottest to you and ask for their thoughts as well.
Another helpful way to start a conversation about your turn-ons, fantasies, and boundaries, is to try making a “yes/no/maybe” list. Write down any sexual acts that come to mind, and then both you and your partner take turns marking each as a yes, no, or maybe. This can be a sexy and fun way to get to know each other better and explore things you may not have considered before.
Exploring what turns you on with a partner can open new levels of intimacy and sexual intensity. This is not for the faint of heart, though; it can feel risky and vulnerable to share this side of your sexual self. Coming to terms with your sexual desires and making room for those in your sex life takes courage, but the payoff is deeper connecttion and hotter sex so definitely worth it!
How to own what you want (aka dealing with the fear of rejection)
We’ve all had to deal with the inner chatter that tells you things that are SO not helpful when you are out there exploring. Of course it’s important to remember that this inner voice is simply trying to keep you safe, so it’s worth being incredibly kind and gentle with yourself when you notice it popping up.
A way to navigate the fear of rejection is to go into it conversations about your desires with the agreement not to criticise each other. It often takes time to grow trust with someone enough to share what you want to do, so don’t judge yourself if you want to take it slow – if the person you want to get it on with doesn’t respect that, it’s better to know now and walk away.
Try to keep openness and curiosity about what you each find to be a turn on, actively striving to understand the desires each of you enjoys without judgment. Sexuality has been something that’s been shamed for so long, so go into these conversations positively and with the intention not to judge what turns the person you’re dating on. Ask that they do the same for you to lessen your fear of opening up.
Even if you know there are things you’d never want to try, asking your partner to explain what about it turns them or makes them curious on can help you get a better sense of what makes them tick. On the other hand, if you share something with your partner and they express that they aren’t interested in going there personally, never pressure them to “just try it.”
When it comes to owning your sexual desires while dating, open communication and mutual respect are vital. You don’t have to share every kink and turn-on with the people you’re dating, but if you want to quickly heat things up with someone new, make it a priority to talk about your desires and boundaries right away — and then you can feel comfortable and confident as you start exploring all the sexy things you do want to try together.
It takes bravery to own every bit of you, but it’s SO liberating when you do. Trust me.
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