It’s a common misconception that those who dabble in BDSM and kink have all kinds of issues, one of which being unhealthy relationships, both with themselves and others, but this couldn’t be farther from the truth.
However, it’s no surprise that society has stereotyped BDSM like this, especially with the media portraying kink in such an uneducated way (thank you, EL James). Movies such as Fifty Shades of Grey highly glamourise BDSM & Kink, making it look dangerously seductive, while at the same time glamourising the toxic behaviour of the characters, which makes audiences assume there is a direct link between the two.
This isn’t just the case for movies portraying kink. In fact, it’s pretty much the standard for any TV Show or Movie that has relationships in it – they’re drawn to making drama seductive, which in turn has made us believe that love and sex have to be hard. What a load of rubbish!
There’s actually a lot we can learn from those who practice BDSM & Kink, and when you go beyond the stereotype of pain and torture, what you will find is a solid foundation between two (or more) people, built on a number of core principles that make BDSM relationships some of the healthiest out there.
So what can BDSM teach us about healthy relationships?
Communication is key
It may sound so simple, yet poor communication is one of the largest causes of breakdown in relationships. But one of the things those within the BDSM community have got down is communication. Despite what it might look like, BDSM and kink play is defined by communication on steroids – we talk about sex before, during and after the act, ensuring that we fully understand our own and our partner’s needs at all times.
That’s not to say communication is easy – it takes time to develop free flowing communication that comes from a place of complete authenticity. Many of us find it hard to voice our desires, our wants, our needs, but we have to start somewhere. If you’re unable to communicate what you want, you cannot expect your partner(s) to know either, and that is one of the biggest mistakes made in relationships.
My top tip is if you find it hard to speak to your partner face to face about what you want, whether that be in the bedroom, from a relationship or in life in general, then write it down! Another part of BDSM is about reflecting on your experiences, and so journaling or writing things down is a great way to get your thoughts out of your head to then be able to communicate those to others.
Negotiation is necessary
Negotiation might not sound like the sexiest of words, but having the ability to negotiate what you want in life, in relationships, in the bedroom is so important when it comes to creating the sex life and relationships you so deeply desire.
In a BDSM context, negotiation is all about sharing your sexual exploration limits with your partner(s), because once again, contrary to what you might see in porn or in movies, everything in BDSM is negotiated prior to play, so that boundaries are never crossed and all parties have the most enjoyable, consensual experiences.
An example of this could be that you’re comfortable exploring light spanking (this would be known as a soft limit) but leaving bruises on the skin is an absolute no for you (hard limit). The same can be applied to pretty much anything in relationships, and so if you find you’re someone who struggles to confidently state their boundaries, I encourage you to apply the “soft limit, hard limit” concept when starting to define what your boundaries look like and how you then communicate those to others.
Self-care is vital
It can be easy in relationships to focus solely on the other person’s needs, which can lead to neglecting our own and result in emotional burnout. While on the surface it may seem as though BDSM is about one person submitting to the needs of the other, this is once again just a myth. BDSM is a power exchange and therefore all parties physical and emotional needs are tended to equally.
BDSM is about building deeply connected emotional and physical experiences, but this also requires you to take care of yourself and be open and honest about how you’re feeling. It is common practice for Kinksters to engage in what is known as aftercare. What this entails is completely different for everyone, but its purpose is to take time to relax, reflect and re-group after sex or play.
The same goes for creating healthy and sustainable relationships in any context. You should be making self-care a priority, and to do this, you must to communicate your self-care needs to your partner(s) and negotiate how you will incorporate this into your dynamic.
Exploring kink can have so many positive benefits on not just your sex life, but your relationships as a whole – teaching you some key skills that will help you discover, build and maintain healthy romantic relationships.
If you’re single and looking to cultivate a positive, kinky dating life and want to hear more about our matchmaking services with our Kink Consultant Sarah Butcher, then get in touch here as we’d love to chat with you more
