I adopt a no BS approach to finding true fulfilment in relationships. If you’re tired of the same old (sexist) dating “advice” out there, and can’t bear another boring date or shallow sexual encounter, then this blog is for you.
When it comes to sex, love, dating and relationships, are you ready to finally feel something different?
Here are 7 vital steps to take when you’re ready to ditch the shallow dates and find true fulfilment instead.
1. Identify what’s working (and what’s not)
As a dating and relationships coach, I hear all the time about when things aren’t working. People often come to me for help with finding the right person after things like infidelity or a bad break-up or after long stretches of unfilling dates.
It’s so, so important to focus not just on what’s not working, but also on what is – in dating life and in life. I once had a client who was married for 15 years but the whole relationship ended when she found out he had been cheating for years.
When we dug into what she loved about the relationship and what was missing, we discovered that what she really wanted from a future partner was someone to genuinely co-create a life together. This ‘aha’ moment informed everything else we did together!
Knowing what works for you (and what definitely doesn’t) has to start with you.
Hot tip: Divide a piece of paper into two columns. On one side write ‘What’s working’ and on the other ‘What’s not working’ and then scribble down everything about your dating life you can think of. Then circle the most important things from your list and these should become your non-negotiables and deal-breakers.
2. Dare to get clear on what you want
I know it can be a bit scary to admit what you really, really want. What if you don’t get it? What if you do!?
But when it comes to finding your ideal partner, you must dare to dream so you can be really clear on what you want – whether it’s a committed, monogamous marriage or to explore your sexuality at a sex party.
I know it’s not easy to be 100 percent honest about your true desires. It took me years to admit I wanted kids but when I finally did, I was so aligned towards what I wanted that I looked for a different type of man. This honesty helped me move from the ‘right now and here’ mentality to an emotional awareness about what really mattered to me.
Once I did the inner work on me and my desires and got really clear with myself first, then I met my partner.
Hot tip: It’s not always easy to admit our desires, even to ourselves, so if you struggle to know what you want I recommend working with a coach or therapist you can really trust. You’ll find that once you are witnessed and accepted, those big desires won’t feel so scary anymore.
3. Tune in to when you feel turned-on
When was the last time you felt turned-on by life? When you felt like you were on fire? When you felt like you were completely aligned in body and mind?
So often we expect other people to turn us on and hand over responsibility for our desires and pleasure to forces outside of us.
On my own journey, it was moving away from shallow, felt hollow on the inside which meant I was drinking and making silly decisions.
Hot tip: If you want to attract the right person for you, ask yourself, ‘When do I feel really good? What behaviours, traits and habits make me feel great and which make me feel not so great?’ Use what you discover as a steer for the future.
4. Change your dating mindset
I see so many incredible people give their power away when it comes to dating and relationships, thinking that there’s some magic formula or perfect person that will bring them what they want.
The truth is that your own dating mindset and the limiting beliefs you hold around sex, love and relationships has to come first!
I used to have a lot of limiting beliefs around success, fulfillment and love.
I thought I could EITHER have a successful career OR love, but not both.
I thought I could EITHER have exciting but hollow sexual experiences OR stable but boring relationships.
I thought I could EITHER have hot sex with “real men” aka alpha males OR no sex with chai tea drinking arty types.
Once I committed to changing these thought patterns that were keeping me unhappy and unfulfilled, things started to shift.
I began to understand what’s really important to me is STRENGTH, but by that I don’t mean muscles or a big paycheck, but character strength and integrity.
The truth was I didn’t feel good enough for my true desires, and looked for a partner to change that for me. Once I understood that a partner isn’t a rescuer, but a support and the strength has to come from within ME, then I could finally allow a man into my life.
Hot tip: If you want hot sex, a thriving career, a supportive partner and ALL the good things but find you keep sabotaging your success, do the inner work on yourself. Find a coach or therapist who can support you to challenge your own narratives around love. Question whether your beliefs are serving you and if not, what else do you want to believe?
5. Commit to YOU
Believe me, I understand the feeling of desperately wanting to find your person. Of wanting to have hot sex and someone to laugh through the tough times with. It’s what most of us want, but sadly I see so many people going about getting it in the wrong ways.
So please, stop putting all your focus out there, as if there is some magical person (popularly referred to as ‘The One’) who is going to show up and make everything in your life better. It’s unrealistic and unromantic (because real people and real love are messy and all the better for it!) and, most importantly, this fantasy is stopping you from finding someone who you could be genuinely happy with.
Instead, make 2021 the year of committing to you.
Amazing things happen when you turn it back to you! For me, when I went on a journey of self-discovery I sampled all sorts of things to see what worked for me. From sensual massage, sex clubs and naked yoga to drinking less and not eating meat, I did what felt right for me.
As my relationship with myself developed, I naturally found someone who was in alignment with the real me.
I couldn’t have the relationship I have now unless I had done my inner work first. No one is going to come along and magically make you happy – YOU have to do that first so that the right person can come along and be like a cherry on top of your already wonderful life.
6. Ditch the dating BS
If you want to attract the right person, you have to commit to ditching old dating narratives that simply do not work. Think:
“Love just happens”
“There’s either a spark or there isn’t”
“I know it when I see it”
When you’re done handing over your power, ask yourself: What are YOU doing to create the spark?
You are responsible for co-creating your experience on dates.
If you want a date who is present, are you being present yourself?
If you want a partner who is vulnerable, are you willing to show up vulnerably?
If you want a union full of trust, can you trust yourself to know what you want and lean in?
Asking questions, flirting, using open body language – try taking responsibility for the spark for a few dates and see what happens. I understand it’s scary but that’s why we work with coaches; to support us in implementing new behaviors, beliefs and habits that serve the life we want to live!
Hot tip: On your next date, repeat the mantra: “I create my own spark” and see how it changes your body language, conversation and behaviors.
7. Take positive action!
It’s ok to feel lonely, down and disappointed. It’s ok to feel like dating is a struggle. It’s not ok to not do anything about it. Give yourself the gift of trying for a different outcome. If you want commitment from others, you must commit to yourself.
Asa Baav is a dating coach, relationship coach and matchmaker on a mission to help single Londoners find love and sexual compatibility. Get in touch to schedule a free call to find out how our coaching and dating services can help you do just that.