Whether you’re looking for someone into a specific kink, or you’re curious about seeking new kinky experiences, it can be difficult to know how to navigate the world of kink when you’re not already in an established relationship, but it doesn’t have to be.
You certainly don’t have to be in a serious relationship to explore kink, but there are definitely some things to consider to ensure you are creating a safe space and meaningful connection in which you can feel confident to explore your desires freely.
So if you’re ready to dive right in and find your next partner in kink, here are just a few top tips for dating when you’re kinky.
Start the kinky conversation
We know what you’re thinking, when exactly is the best time to bring up your kinky desires? And how do you know if someone is going to be into what you’re into? These are all common questions that come up for singles looking to create authentic kinky connections.
The answer to the first question is, there is no “right” time to bring up kink. What’s important is that it feels like the right time for you. If you feel you can communicate with this person in a safe and respectful way, there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t voice your desires and expectations around kink.
When it comes to dating, it’s all about finding out if you’re compatible, and that goes for sexually too. It’s all very well having great conversation and banter with someone, but if your desires don’t align, then it’s likely you won’t form a romantic connection with one another.
We know it can feel scary, and it takes courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of someone else in this way, but you owe it to yourself to create the sex life you deserve. If the other person is not into it, there’s no hard feeling. You may wish to open that conversation for further exploration, or decide to leave it there.
Ultimately you are responsible for the way you deliver yourself in conversation, but not how the other person receives or responds to you. So if you remain respectful and authentic in how you bring the topic into conversation, there’s no reason why you can’t bring kink up as soon as you feel ready, be that the first date, or the tenth date!
Get clear on your expectations
It can be tricky enough trying to navigate a new partner’s wants and needs in daily life, let alone in the bedroom. The thing to remember here is no one can be a mind reader, and so it is your responsibility to cultivate the self-awareness needed to clearly express and inform your new or potential partner what it is you want and need, kink-wise.
This doesn’t just include telling them what you like, but also getting clear on your non-negotiables and not being afraid to state these. While it’s important to be open-minded to your partner’s desires, when looking for a longer-term partner you have to be honest about whether you will be happy with their expectations too.
Taking some time to truly reflect on your non-negotiables without letting any other factors influence you will help you to determine if the person your dating is the right kinky match. Be sure to consider all areas such as hard and soft limits, aftercare needs, length/type of relationship you desire. Having a clear idea in your mind about what you’d like to get from your kinky experiences will better equip you to more intuitively know whether a connection is right or not, as well as equip your new or potential partner with the knowledge they need to do the same. You’ll find that you can skip to the good stuff more quickly when you’re clear in your desires.
Don’t take it too seriously
While there are absolutely many elements of kink you should take seriously – such as your non-negotiables and aftercare needs, once you’ve discussed and defined the parameters of your kinky desires, it’s time to have some fun!
When you first start exploring kink there can be this real desire to “get things right”, but when you’re so hung up on making things picture perfect, you won’t allow yourself to truly relax into the experience. Worrying about making mistakes is a common concern, but as long as the communication of boundaries is done effectively and regularly, then not always getting things quite right is all part of the journey.
Allow yourself the space and time to navigate each other’s kinky desires and give yourself permission to experiment. Whether you have previous experience in kink or not, there’s always room for growth and to learn about yourself and your partner along the way. Kink is a journey and your desires will evolve and change over time, so be open to exploring new parts of you as and when they come into play.
And remember, kink is defined by you, not what we see in the movies or porn. Communicate, laugh, rest, adjust. Doing things your way will create the most authentic and pleasurable kinky experiences.
If you’d like to dive deeper into your kinks and desires, then you can book in for a 1-1 Kink Consultation with our very own BDSM expert, Sarah Butcher. Talk, explore, discover and learn about your desires with Sarah so that you can start to introduce them into your sex life with confidence.
And if you are ready to meet singles on your emotional, sexual and intellectual wavelength who are serious about prioritising deep connection and sexual exploration, without sinking time in apps and people you have nothing in common with? Talk to our matchmaking team today.
