Break-ups are hard, but there’s something about kinky break ups that hit differently. Whether you’re involved romantically or not, when a BDSM dynamic ends, it can be tough to process. Since BDSM dynamics such as Dominant and submissive relationships take time and effort to build, involving levels of communication and trust that go beyond many other relationships, it can leave you feeling like a part of you is missing, and it can be difficult to know how to move forwards.
There are many reasons why a kinky dynamic may come to an end. Here’s some of the signs to look out for, and some tips on when and how to move on from someone after being in this space with them.
You want different things outside of the bedroom
Every dynamic is different, but if you’re looking for more than just a play partner, then you’ll likely be looking for certain qualities outside of their kinky persona. Sometimes two people may have a bright, fiery spark inside the bedroom, but their wants and needs outside the bedroom don’t align. What then tends to happen here is that one person wants more than the other person wants or is willing to give.
This can be both frustrating and heart breaking, especially when there are romantic feelings involved. Meeting someone you feel you connect with both sexually and romantically can feel like finding a needle in a haystack, and so when you do find someone who aligns with your kinks, it might seem tempting to compromise on those other qualities you’re looking for in a partner.
But it’s important to be honest with yourself about what it is you truly desire from the connections and relationships you seek. While a partner could be the Dom you’ve been dreaming of and your sex life is the best it’s ever been, if you’re looking to settle down and start a family and they’re not, you have to be honest with yourself about where you go from here.
You don’t feel supported in your kink space
One of the most important things about having healthy kinky relationships is feeling safe and supported in that space. To truly go deep into your vulnerability takes courage, and so if your partner is not able to meet you with the respect, communication and encouragement to explore your fantasies and desires, you’ll either feel stuck and unable to express your authentic self, or you’ll open yourself up to potential wounds (both metaphorical and physical) that you’re left to tend to on your own, which can be emotionally damaging and draining.
If you are feeling stuck, afraid to ask for aftercare or feel that your kink experiences are becoming increasingly one-sided, then it may be time to end this dynamic.
Your partner in kink should not just be open to supporting you because they have to, but they should actively be creating that safe space for both of you to thrive. Examples of a supportive kink partner include regularly checking in with you to see how you’re feeling, initiating discussions about new ideas they’d like to try and taking on board your feedback, and openly communicating how they’re feeling too.
You’ve outgrown each other’s kinks
The thing about kink is that there’s so much to explore and figuring out what it is you’re into can be a lengthy process, and in some cases, one that never ends. What you liked at the beginning of your journey may not be what you like now, but if your partner’s desires haven’t evolved in the same way as yours, then you may find they don’t align anymore. This can sometimes take a while to realise, especially when you’ve built up a good dynamic with someone and you feel comfortable around them. The ease that comes with being in their space may keep you from pursuing your ever-evolving desires.
If your kinky experiences are feeling a bit stagnant, then it may be time to reflect on your desires and initiate a re-visit of your limits and boundaries negotiation. Self-reflection and collaboration are what make a great BDSM team, so it’s all about being honest about what you want. Just because your kinks have changed or evolved doesn’t mean you don’t like having sex with that person anymore, it just means you’re ready to experiences something new and fresh. Regularly checking in with yourself and your partner is the easiest way to manage everyone’s kinky expectations, and know when it’s time to shake things up or move on.
Looking for that deeper connection?
Despite what the skeptics think, it is possible to find a partner who is compatible with you sexually, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. The key is to get super clear on your desires and what it is you’re looking for. At Tailor Matched, we’re opening up that conversation and connecting people on 360-degree compatibility, inside and outside the bedroom. To dive deeper into the world of kink and your desires, book in for a 1-1 with our Kink Consultant Sarah Butcher, or enquire about our Matchmaking services today!
