If I had a pound for every time I heard ‘but Asa, I don’t know what I want’ – I would be a very rich woman. In this week’s blog I’m delving into how to figure out what you want in a partner – and get it.
So you want a new love BUT you don’t want to press repeat button and have the exact same relationship again but in different clothing. I get it. As a dating coach, this is exactly the kind of work I do with my clients all the time so they can be confident going out and getting what – and who – they want.
When it comes to owning what you want, first things first – let’s figure out what that actually is.
Getting clear on what you want
The first step to finding a good match in a partner is to think about your values and interests.
Values are tied to your core being — so they’re vital to pay attention to when it comes to dating.
What’s important to you? Family, career, a healthy lifestyle, travel, intimacy?
The goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship you do, and naturally agrees on how to get those things.
If you have no idea, don’t worry.
One way to start identifying your values is by thinking about your lifestyle.
Do you have to have alone time?
How important is family time to you?
Is travel a non-negotiable for you?
Does religion play a big part in your life?
If so, you should be with someone who supports your desires and needs. When you’re meeting new people and dating, it’s important to ask questions to find out if they value the same things you do.
If you’re ever unsure whether someone’s a good match for you or not, think about these two questions.
Does this person share my lifetime goals and dreams?
Do I feel better about myself when I am with this person?
The first question deals with the practicality of the relationship, for example, if you want marriage and children and you’re dating somebody who tells you that they’ll never commit to a permanent relationship, MOVE ON.
The second question deals with the equally important issue of how they’re treating you. If they don’t really listen to what you’re saying, criticize you or make you feel edgy or just ‘off’ for ANY reason – walk on by.
If you find the thought of working through your values alone overwhelming, it might be time to invest in a coach like me who can walk you through it and help you see what you might be missing. Take a look at my coaching services to see if we’re a good fit.
Compatibility trumps compromise
There is no amount of work or communication that can overcome being with someone who simply does not want what you want.
If you or the person you’re dating has to change their core being in order to make a relationship work, sorry, but you’re probably with the wrong person.
You deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you are – in all your glory.
As a dating coach and matchmaker, my whole approach is about empowering you to own exactly who you are – in life AND in bed. There has been too much shame around sex for too long – and I’m on a mission to change that.
So be honest with yourself – what turns you on? And if the answer is nothing and you’re just not that sexual – own it.
Being true to yourself and not compromising for a relationship will serve you so well. It takes bravery to own every bit of you, but it’s SO liberating when you do. Trust me.
Identify what you DON’T want
Admit it, you’ve been on bad dates and thought to yourself “oh well, at least I get a good story to tell my friends about”. We’ve all sat at our favorite London pub or brunch spot and laughed with our friends about the sheer awkwardness of a bad date.
But there’s actually a goldmine of information in every bad (or just plain boring) date you go on – because they can reveal exactly what you DON’T want in a partner.
Start to recognise traits and behaviors that you’re not interested in. This makes them a lot easier to spot (and avoid) in the future.
How do you want to FEEL?
Here’s another important question to ask yourself – How do I want to feel with this person?
This stops all the meaningless chatter about their body type, height or profession and gets your focussed on the really important things.
How do I want to feel with my partner?
What would they do to make me feel this way?
What are the things I can do to feel this way?
How do I feel when they look at me?
How do I feel when they respond to me?
How do I feel when they’re talking?
If you’re feeling loved, valued, respected, stimulated, desired – or any other good feelings, you’re on to a winner.
Discover your relationship style
If you’re struggling to think of what qualities are important to you or who you’d be compatible with, it’s time to pull out some self-awareness tools.
There are lots of tools out there, such as Myers Briggs, but I’m a big fan of DISC assessment to dig into your personality and communication traits. It can work wonders to really turn things around when it comes to interacting with people you fancy – and that’s the aim of this dating game isn’t it? Know what you want, and have the confidence to go out and get it.