As a dating coach and matchmaker, my mission is to help you say goodbye to shame about your sexual desires. Talking in an erotic way activates the imagination, is a hige turn-on (when done right) and can liberate your sexual inhibitions. So if you’ve ever been tempted to talk dirty but held back, this week’s blog is for you.
So you’re back out in the dating game (or want to be) and don’t want to settle for vanilla sex anymore. You’re ready to unleash your wilder side and own you whole self. Congratulations!
Dirty talk is a great way to start unleashing your wild side.
Maybe you’re a master of dirty talk via text, but when it comes to between the sheets, feel really awkward actually speaking the words out loud. Well, good job you’ve found me as I am on a mission to take our dating AND sex lives OFF the screen and back out into the world where they belong.
I like to think of dirty talk almost like an extension of flirting. If you’re flirting up until the point you fall into bed, why stop?
If you haven’t ventured into the world of erotic expression, let’s set some ground-rules to make your first foray a little easier and a lot more fun.
Here are my top 4 tips for getting started with dirty talk.
Set the Stage
It’s normal to feel a little worried about negative judgement from a new partner (especially if you’ve been raised in a very religious or sexually repressed family, or culture) so your first step is always to check in and create a safe space.
Talk to your partner outside the bedroom before you start exploring inside it. Make a mutual agreement to take risks and accept each other, no matter what you say. Give each other full permission to experiment without shame.
This initial chat is also a great opportunity to talk about your turn-ons, turn-offs and boundaries around dirty talk. Discovering your lover’s parameters will ease your mind by knowing in advance what words do and don’t get their juices flowing.
Being able to talk openly about what turns you on will help your relationship reach a whole new level of trust and intimacy AND boost your self-confidence.
Don’t overthink it
If you’ve hardly uttered a word during sex before, I suggest keeping it really simple to start with. If you’re feeling embarrassed or nervous, start with the basics.
Try talking about what feels good to you in that moment. Telling your partner, ‘oh that feels really good’ or ‘I like it when you do this’ is a good place to start because it’s about what’s really turning you on – and is likely to turn you on even more!
You can also describe what’s happening and what you like about it, telling them ‘I love it when you…’, ‘you feel really good inside of me,’ or ‘you’re making me so wet/hard’.
Remember to play with it and not take it too seriously. If something doesn’t land, laugh it off and move on.
Tell Them What You Want
A good way to think about dirty talk is to tell your partner what you want to do to them/with them before you’re actually doing it (aka taking your flirting game up a notch). Then, while you’re doing it, specifically describe what it is you like about it.
If your partner is a woman, this is especially beneficial. Generally speaking, women are often aroused through the imagination. Stimulating a woman’s mind before you’re even naked is what’s going to have her practically begging to rip your clothes off. Meanwhile, men are more often stimulated by visual imagery (hello, porn).
Let’s get multi-sensory, baby!
Once you’ve gotten comfortable with the primary senses, saying things like ‘You look so hot’ or ‘You feel so good’, you might want to dial up the dirty a little. It’s time to stimulate all the senses…
For women, many of whom have told me have felt shame around how they smell, saying how much you LOVE her smell can be a huge turn-on.
You could talk about how much you love their taste, or the sounds they make when they’re cumming. Get creative and tune into every, single, sense to really take your dirty talk to the next level.
Know What’s Off-Limits
Everyone is different. Some people get a thrill from saying or hearing things that might usually be off-limits.
Some people love swear words, others find it too jarring.
Some people like words like ‘pussy’ while others can’t think of anything less hot or romantic!
Make sure you check in with yourself and your partner (outside of the bedroom, when you aren’t being sexual with each other) to see if there’s any words that they want you to avoid during dirty talk and communicate and explore what you like and don’t like.
And as you know ‘No’, is a full sentence.
It won’t take away the sexiness of your dirty talk, but will in fact enhance it by creating the safety and comfort to really explore each other and your desires – and there’s nothing better than being who you really are.